Top 100 funniest Facebook and Twitter updates

Posted: October 28th, 2010 | Author: | Filed under: Funny | No Comments »

Great list of  facebook and twitter status updates

1. Clint is [this comment has been removed due to legal action by the Church of Scientology]

2. Clint is on a 90-day diet. So far I’ve lost 45 days.

3. Clint is crying for no particular reason other than the fact that my cat spontaneously combusted.

4. Clint is is out clubbing this weekend. im going to break my record of 12 baby seals

5. Clint is “in your face book account, deleting your friends”

6. Clint is about to stick a pin in your voodoo doll… brace yourself..

7. Clint joined facebook. Clint sent 34,123 flirts. Clint left facebook.

8. Clint has almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left him before they met.

9. Clint is wondering about the speed of dark?

10. Clint is wondering how do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

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11. Clint is running out of places to hide the bodies…

12. Clint tried to join a tourette’s support group and they told me to piss off

13. Clint got thrown out of the casino last night due to possible misinterpretation of the term “craps table”

14. Clint is getting a grip on reality..and choking it to death

15. Clint – if money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

16. Jolene is the girl next door…if you live next door to a whore house…

17. Clint is “beating cancer, and by cancer he means children.”

18. Clint doesn’t want to achieve immortality through his work… Clint wants to achieve it through not dying.

19. Clint places his boss under a pedestal.

20. Clint is sure he has a photographic memory. He just doesn’t have film.

21. Clint is using his iShin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

22. Clint is thinking to join the army – join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

23. Clint just got scared half to death twice

24. Clint used to have an open mind but his brains kept falling out.

25. Clint wants a meaningful overnight relationship.

26. Clint is having an excellent adventure with Bill and Ted

27. Clint has so many facebook friends that any new applicants have to sit through a three stage interview process.

28. Clint is putting the pro into procrastination

29. Clint is more frustrated than an Amish electrician

30. Clint puts the laughter in manslaughter

31. Clint puts the FUN in dysfunctional

32. Clint is snail mailing a snail. Just to say I did it.

33. Clint – easier said than done…

34. Clint is wondering if a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

35. Clint – now available in widescreen

36. Clint wants to make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘get a life”

37. Clint is planning to be spontaneous tomorrow.

38. Clint is thinking Pandora didn’t think outside the box.

39. Clint is trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon.

40. Clint is revoking your creative license.

41. Clint puts the pro in procrastinate

42. Clint says, do me a favor, and don’t do me anymore favors!

43. Clint is amazed at the alarming drop-out rate of sky diving classes.

44. Clint has 20/20 hearing!

45 Clint – so poor he can’t even give you his two cents!

46. Clint is so poor that he can’t even afford to pay attention.

47. Clint is so broke that he’s going to KFC to lick other peoples fingers.

48. Clint is wondering “if swimming is good for your figure, then why are whales so damn fat..?

49. Clint intends to live forever, so far so good…

50. Clint tired of his probation officer’s bad attitude…

51. Clint is two with nature

52. Clint spend less money doing laundry this year and more money on deodorant.

53. Clint wants to romantically wish you a happy valentines day…via facebook status…cuz you wont return my phone calls…

54. Clint’s girlfriend came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my Playstation.

55. Clint – Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

56. Clint – My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you has screwed up my life.

57. Clint says: that nothing shouts “I love you” more than somebody Else’s creativity widely distributed on recycled paper.

58. Clintette is: eating and extravagant assortment of valentines day chocolates…she bought for herself…

59. Clint: I see your face when I am dreaming.

That’s why I always wake up screaming.

60. Clint says: every moment i’m with you I want to walk in front of a bus…HAPPY Valentines Day…

61. Clint wonders what will happen when Polish mothers start reading facebook statuses : “What do you mean you feel lonely? Your father and I are very worried…”

62. Clint logged in and saw you logged in. Then I logged off and logged in 2 hours again – you were still logged in. Get A Life! … OK yeah I was logged in all this time too. (feel shame)

63. Clint is just two away from a threesome

64. Clint is “added new photos to the album “”Porn””

65. Clint is stimulating his package

67. Clint is brought to you by the letters W T F

68. Clint is not scared of heights…. just widths

69. Clint is about to mail my check for $1500 to nigeria for the $15million lottery i just won! Cya later SUCKAS!!

70. Clint always asks himself: “What would Gandalf do”?

71. Clint says ignorance is bliss, but on Youtube it’s a prerequisite.

72. Clint says that just because nobody understands you, doesn’t make you an artist.

73. Clint – pardon me but your status is showing

74. Clint hates people that take drugs… customs for example

75. Clint can only please one person a day. Today’s not your day… tomorrow’s not looking good either.

76. Clint says a train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station…

77. Clint cant understand why constipated people dont give a crap

78. Clint would give his right arm to be ambidextrous

79. Clint says without ME you’re just AWESO

80. Clint wonders if theres another word for “thesaurus”

81. Clint would have sent you some virtual chocolates but he virtually ate them all.

82. Clint says 4/3 of americans has trouble with fractions.

83. Clint is a secret agent…oh crap.

84. Clint says silence is golden but duct tape is silver

85. Clintette told her husband he is like a fine wine and just gets better with age…that is why he is locked in the basement.

86. Clint grew up on the street………………..Sesame Street….

87. Clint is thinking the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades

88. Clint says my computer just beat me at chess…but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

89. Clint knows that there are 3 kinds of people on facebook, Those who can count and those who can’t.

90. Clint thinks there are 10 kinds of people in the world: those that understand binary and those that don’t.

91. Clint why is it that whenever there’s two women in a profile pic the hot one is someone else..?

92. Clint is the reason Wally is hiding

93. Clint never finishes wat he sta

94. Clint is proof reading to make sure he hasn’t any words out.

95. Clint is loving the smell of napalm in the morning.

96. Clint is an unlicensed helicopter pilot

97. Clint can increase your penis size by 30%!!!!

98. Clint is planning to quit the day he gets fired.

99. Clint’s vocabulary is as bad as, like, whatever

100. Clint once killed 2 stones with one bird.


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